embodying my AMAZING

Three_TouchingOrder

Yesterday evening I fulfilled a challenge my healer put to me several months ago. I stepped out from behind the security of my computer screen and backspace key. I opened my treatment room door and moved out into the bigness of my entire studio space and stepped in front of a group of people to talk, out loud, using my voice. (the one that makes noise).

This is a big deal. It’s a big deal because I’ve spent my entire life afraid to use my voice in front of other people. I was the little girl who hid behind her mother’s skirt. (i have actual memories of doing so). I spent my entire sixteen years of schooling being called Amanda by my teachers and friends at school, because I didn’t even think to open my mouth and let everyone know that my name was Mandy. Graduating from college and no longer having my name being told to someone by a sheet of paper that proceeded me was a massive liberation. Moving into my adult life without a dual identity was thrilling. I was finally Mandy to everyone.

Step number one towards fully inhabiting my power:  acquire singular identity. Check.

When my healer issued the public speaking challenge I came to him with a fairly large knot of fear in my belly– and a terror of moving into the fear. He had me put my feet on the ground, bring my hands to my solar plexus and breathe into the space that felt tangled and knotted with terror. I sat on his couch, closed my eyes and allowed myself to settle into my body. I felt immediately, though I was scared to articulate it, that the fear that was haunting me– the gnawing knot eating away at my insides, was a fear of my own power. I told him that. He asked me what I thought would happen if I let myself inhabit my power, let my power inhabit me. I connected to the feeling of me allowing myself my bigness, and started laughing and crying as the words “I think it would be amazing” tumbled out of my mouth.

“Okay, so fear of being amazing.” He wrote it down.

I laughed. He smiled.

Sometimes the absurdity of our fears keeps us from acknowledging them. When I really allowed myself to connect to my fear, when I listened to it and gave it breath and light– I realized that it was the fear of a little girl whose preschool teacher asked her mother if she spoke. It was the fear of a child who understood that although she was small, there was something big and important inside of her, begging to be given a voice.

Step two towards fully inhabiting my power: Shine a bright light on my fear. Check.

Leaving my healer after that session I felt an immense weight had been lifted. Through the course of the session the terror I initially felt transformed to excitement. I left with the feeling of “what am I going to say FIRST?” I continued to engage in my process, began laying the groundwork for my public speaking debut– but then fell away from it. I wrote copious amounts but published very little. There was something missing. Something that kept me from moving forward.

Enter: The Cleanse.

I heard about it through a friend and immediately felt drawn to it. I did some research on it and decided that I was going to do it after completing a trip to visit my family on the east coast, when my kids were out of town. I moved through the cleanse and had what I would consider to be the most profound healing experience of my life to date. It brought me back to myself– and allowed me access to myself in a way that I’ve never had before. It cracked me open and poured me out– not letting me ignore or deny all my squishy insides. It forced communication, made me deal with my emotions, and biggest of all– it allowed me my VOICE.

It quite literally forced me to acknowledge my power. It took away my mother’s skirt, pushed me out from behind my keyboard, and whooshed my treatment room door WIDE OPEN. The nourishment that it provided my body made me unable to distract myself from myself. My physical structure was fully supported and operating more efficiently than it ever had before. I was unable to push down my feelings– unable to swallow my voice. It transformed the way I inhabited time– making days feel amazingly endless and full of possibility. It allowed me to be productive and unafraid of my forward momentum. And it immediately made me want to TALK about it.

The cleanse gave my voice a platform. It created a context for me to begin to speak. It immediately presented itself as an immense healing tool that I wanted to use to help others move forward along their own paths. It forced me to harness my creative energy towards creating a structure to facilitate transformation.

It has taken a lifetime to get to where I am right now– and I don’t know how many more steps there are in this journey– but I feel confident in taking them. I feel nourished. I feel present. I feel supported. I feel heard. I feel powerful.  And I feel AMAZING. And that’s really all this little girl could possibly ask for.

Step three towards fully inhabiting my own power: Acknowledge my voice and let it be heard. Check.