I’ve been feeling a little beat up lately. Like the universe is having its way with me– kicking me while I’m down, so to speak, repetitively. In the head. (or some other vital area). Everywhere I turn it feels as though I’m being asked to put up my dukes. It brought me to my breaking point this afternoon. I took a trip downtown with my daughter in hopes of getting insight into a problem with my phone which is mysteriously not receiving a signal. After finding out it has “liquid damage” and erasing everything on the phone, I remembered the meter that i fed for 1/2 an hour– not anticipating the hour and a half of fun awaiting me at the genius bar.
My daughter and I ran to the car– only to find that it wasn’t where we both swore it was. (She’s clearly picking up on my compromised signals.) We were both baffled for a few minutes, walking around blocks where i knew we wouldn’t find it. (An experience I have NEVER had before “you always know where your car is parked,” was her comment to me.) We doubled back and I regained my senses, and find it we did– with not one, but two little yellow envelopes tucked under the windshield wiper. In the first, a ticket for $39 for exceeding my allotted meter time. And in the second, one for $140 for having an expired registration. (Something I was entirely unaware of and I thought for sure the DMV was supposed to notify me about).
It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a ticket of any kind. It brings up a strange feeling of helplessness in me– and was definitely the icing on top of the “kick me while I’m down” cake. We drove home. I got to the door and started unlocking it and felt like I was going to crumple. She asked me if I was okay, I told her I was just having a hard time– and she told me “It’s okay to cry, that’s what you always tell me.”
I went out into the backyard and had a little “what in the hell is going on, universe?’ moment. And then the universe said to me with absolute clarity, and lacking any sympathy: “had enough yet? Do you remember who you are? Are you done or are you going to get up now?”
I began crying and said “thank you. Yes. I do remember. I am a fighter, and you can kick me as hard as you want– I’ve got plenty of fight left in me.”
And apparently I needed to be reminded of that. I’ve become complacent lately. I’ve forgotten who I am and what my abilities are. I’ve stopped trusting myself. I’ve allowed myself to be overcome with fear and worry. I’ve let doubt cast a shadow where only light should be shining. I’ve been walking down a long, dark hallway, nearly paralyzed with fear at the magnitude of the growth and expansion that is waiting to pounce on me. Not realizing that, since I already know it’s there, I’ve got the upper hand and have completely negated its element of surprise.
What I’m in need of at the moment is a serious dose of my own medicine. As healers, it can be hard to remember that we need to take our own medicine too. It is of utmost importance. If i were lying on my table, I would remind myself that fear is only powerful when we push it down and deny its existence. That it’s a natural part of being a human being, it’s perfect, and that at the root of my fear is powerful medicine, useful insight. I need to turn on a bright, shiny light in that hallway– and walk down it like I own it (because I do). Because I am powerful beyond imagination. And it’s okay to be scared of that. Inhabiting my power, allowing my power to inhabit me, it’s terrifying. But when has a little bit of terror ever stopped me before?
It hasn’t. Because I’m a fighter. And I am in charge of what happens to me.
See that universe? I do remember. I may be down, but I’m far from out. And as a matter of fact, I’m just getting my second wind. And I’m definitely beginning to inhabit my power– so you might want to take a few steps back– because I don’t think anybody knows what’s going to happen next. I certainly don’t– but I can promise you it’s going to be BIG.